By DARZKKG (formerly Maha Bandula, as told to the Burmese Digest)

Part 1: The Heavenly Commission Is Formed

Dear Comrades,

I, Maha Bandula, write to you from Earth—not as a ghost, but as the Chief Investigator of the Heavenly Inquiry Commission, dispatched by the Chief of the Heaven Veteran Military Association, none other than General Aung San himself.

Why was I sent here? Because something strange was happening: no new Burmese soldiers were arriving in Heaven.

One day, the emerald mattress of General Aung San suddenly hardened—a celestial warning. Alarmed, the General used his Divine Telescope (Diva Sakkhu) to peer into the mortal realm. What he saw shook him to the core:

1. His daughter, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, imprisoned unjustly by the SPDC.
2. A cosmic contradiction: while true soldiers supposedly “never die” and “never go to hell,” Burmese soldiers were dying in droves—and heading straight to Hell.

Though saddened by his daughter’s suffering, the General saw her as walking his path—earning merit through struggle. He now teaches that the journey itself matters more than the outcome, as destiny is shaped by karma.

But what troubled him deeply was this transformation of his beloved BIA and BDA into something monstrous.

He roared, “What are those bastard SPDC generals doing? Why is Hell overflowing with Burmese military men, while Heaven sees none?”

I tried to calm him. Perhaps there was a computer error in Heaven’s system. But every search term—Myanmar Military, Tatmadaw, SPDC—yielded the same result: zero new arrivals in Heaven, and Hell bursting at the seams.

So he appointed me to lead this investigation. I, Maha Bandula, famed for my campaigns in Manipur, Assam, and Arakan, who died defending the homeland—a warrior who never once dreamed of ruling it.

Part 2: A Guard’s Duty, Not a King’s Right

My principle is simple: Soldiers are not rulers. We are guardians, not kings. If strength and arms justify seizing power, then security guards might as well take over banks, factories, and supermarkets.

Even in Heaven, General Aung San is one day younger than me—by celestial time—but he holds higher rank. Why? Because unlike me, he died without sin. I once struck an innocent man to get a king’s attention—my karmic stain.

Other historical figures on our commission include:

• Kyansittha, my deputy—older than me in Heaven’s years but guilty of killing two young warriors out of jealousy. Saved by the prayers of his Mon son, Raja Kumar.
• Bayinnaung and Alaungpaya, who served short terms in Hell for the massacre of Mons and Thais—now mere clerks in our celestial office.

At first, General Aung San didn’t notice the decline. Many virtuous soldiers were still entering Heaven—from other countries. But I, as caretaker of the Veteran Military Ward in Hell, had seen signs: General Ne Win was oddly cheerful, expecting company.

He had recently received news—via newly arrived ex-Military Intelligence officers—that his adopted son, Khin Nyunt, and the current generals, were about to join him. His joy? Rooted in the fact that Than Shwe’s sins far outweighed his own.

Part 3: The Undercover Operation

To gather firsthand evidence, I descended to Earth disguised as a gunrunner peddling nuclear secrets. I sought out U Tay Za, the military’s crony tycoon. But he demanded an absurd “introduction fee” of $10 million, with 10% of any deal. His secretaries wanted the same. His wife demanded $30 million and 30%.

Fed up, I arranged a direct meeting with Senior General Than Shwe.

In my heavenly briefcase, I brought Kyat notes featuring General Aung San’s face. But when Than Shwe saw the General’s portrait, he recoiled in anger. I had to use my angelic powers to wipe his memory and transform the Kyats into US dollars.

Suddenly, all doors opened. Smiles bloomed. The deal was on.

I revealed myself (falsely) as Slobodan Milošević, ex-dictator of Yugoslavia. Than Shwe recognized me instantly. He was a fan—believing my double had died while he, the “real Milošević,” had escaped.

He eagerly offered me a golden key to Nay Pyi Taw, and a role as personal advisor—not on governance or development, but to teach him the dark arts of ethnic cleansing. He wanted to annihilate Kayin Christians, Muslims (especially Rohingyas), Chin, Kachin, and even Shan and Mon Buddhists.

Part 4: The Confession

Than Shwe, now giddy with reverence, laid out the SPDC’s grand strategy:

“Our goal isn’t to eliminate everyone. Just those who threaten permanent military rule.”

He listed the targets:

1. Democratic groups: NLD, SNLD, and federalists
2. Ethnic minorities: Shan, Kayin, Chin, Kachin, Mon, Rohingya
3. Religious groups: Christians, Muslims, dissenting Buddhists

Their crimes included:

• Extrajudicial killings
• Destruction of villages and sacred sites
• Systematic rape to instill fear and wipe out bloodlines
• Torture of prisoners
• Theft of land and property
• Restriction of movement
• Denial of basic human rights

He proudly described how they fooled UN envoys, like Razali Ismail and Paulo Pinheiro, and manipulated ASEAN. They gave the illusion of dialogue only to stall for time, buying years through deceit.

By then, our commission had heard enough.

We declared:

Senior General Than Shwe and the SPDC are guilty of genocide and crimes against humanity. They are sentenced to the lowest levels of Hell, for an almost infinite term.

Part 5: Fascism Unveiled

Though our mission was complete, I lingered for one last exchange.

Than Shwe returned all the bribes I had paid and offered 100 times more, claiming unlimited funds from drug cartels and foreign investors.

To expose his ideology completely, I asked:

‘Milošević’: Why did you stop commemorating March 27th as Revolution Day?

Than Shwe: We changed it to Tatmadaw Day. The word “Revolution” terrifies us. People might get ideas.

‘Milošević’: But that was the anti-fascist revolution that led to Burma’s independence!

Than Shwe: Exactly why we hate it. We were trained by Imperial Japan. We admire Hitler. His ethnic cleansing of the Jews was brilliant. For us, Rohingyas, Muslims, Christians, and ethnic minorities are the Jews of Myanmar.

‘Milošević’: And General Aung San?

Than Shwe: A traitor. So is his daughter. We will crush all who oppose our eternal rule.

By now, General Aung San was weeping from Heaven.

Our verdict was sealed.

Part 6: The Last Curse

(Note: The final question about Mon and Shan Buddhists wasn’t mine. It came from Kyansittha, my deputy. He was emotional—he still mourns his Shan queen and loves his Mon descendants. But even this moment of humanity reminded us that empathy saves souls from Hell.)

Than Shwe declared:

“I don’t care if they’re Buddhists. They are traitors. I will complete the work my royal ancestors left unfinished.”

When asked if he sought to join Thibaw Min and Ne Win in the afterlife, he gleamed:

“My astrologers say I will surpass them.”

I replied:

“Yes, Your Majesty. You shall. Soon, you will rise higher than them all.”

I wasn’t lying.

Thibaw, despite his bloody palace coup, repented in exile. Ne Win, at his end, showed faint remorse.

Than Shwe, however, walks to Hell unrepentant.

Final Declaration

The Inquiry Commission concludes:

The Myanmar Military is no longer our BIA or BDA. It is now the Myanma Tatmadaw—a traitorous force.

We hereby revoke our sacred motto:

“Soldiers never die, and if they die, they never go to Hell”
(Ye’ baw ma thay – Thay thou nga yae ma lar)

And replace it with the bitter truth:

“Myanmar Soldiers will die, and they WILL go to Hell.”
(Ye’ baw thay myi – Thay thou nga yae lar myi)

So we say goodbye.

See you soon, Your Majesty.”

Mission accomplished.

– DARZKKG (formerly Maha Bandula)
Chief Investigator, Heavenly Commission on the Fall of the Tatmadaw